Is Modern Dating a Waste of Time?

By Hellen Chen, Special for  USDR

Modern dating has become a “revolving-door” situation where men and women change partners so often that in the end, they still could not find out who they should  marry.

I have spoken about not going through an endless dating game for singles but to practice “date after  marriage.”

That means, don’t waste your time to date for a long period of time, but to settle down with a partner that has the same marital goals as you. And work hard to keep up the romance after  marriage.

Taking Care of Another Person’s Future  Spouse

Most singles who are dating spent tremendous time and money to keep up the romantic actions to court a  person.

Guys like to shower the ladies with gifts and dinners. They went to pick up their girlfriends from work or accompany them to go shopping. Yet, if there is no marriage commitment in place, this dating has a high chance of  breakup.

All the money and time spent on this potential marital partner is wasted because comes next Valentine’s Day or birthday or Christmas, this person will no longer be in your  life.

I also termed this as “taking care of someone else’s  wife.”

Ladies have committed the same  mistakes.

Some ladies like to go to a guy’s place to help clean up his house or cook for them. Or they thought if they have a lot of sex, it would make the guy  happy.

But without a marriage commitment, these dating actions are in the same category of taking care of someone else’s  husband.

There are still only 2 ways dating relationships can  go:

  1. A) It leads to  marriage.


    B) It ends in  breakups.

Sadly, I see most dating relationships — 85% or more — end in  breakups.

It does not matter how many years it takes in between, these 2 ways still have to happen eventually: marriage or  breakup.

Longer Dating Time Means Knowing a Person  Better?

Some singles have told me that they need time to know a person well — they like to be certain that this is the right person to marry. They would literally spend months and months and years and years to “get to know”  someone.

The truth is, people change over time. You change. Your partner will  change.

This change can come from various life’s instances: setbacks, successes, and many unknown factors not in your control nor  prediction.

We have known marriages to break up even after 10 or 20  years.

So should someone wait 10 or 20 years to date the same person to really make sure the person is the right  one?

Unfortunately, the attitude of “can’t fail” is already a failure in  itself.

Let’s look back at our grandparents and their  grandparents.

Was dating such a long drawn-out complex activity for  them?

Was there an equivalent of an internet where one can do research on someone’s background before going on a  date?

The dating time has increased tremendously since the 1960s and dating has become more complex with the huge array of services and online tools yet divorce rates are going up the roof in modern  times.

In fact, here is more likely what is happening: the more a person try to “check out” a person, the more cautious and untrusting he or she gets with the  relationship.

“Is this new person going to break my heart as the last one?” will be the question that one carries forwards — unfairly or not — to the new  partner.

A person who gets his or her heart broken one too many times would have also developed a skill: looking at the faults of another with a magnifying  glass.

After a few failures, they now know one thing with strong conviction: there are no good men or women out there who are good enough for  them.

I don’t blame them. Few people can be as trusting as they like in their relationships after accumulating a few battle  scars.

But when such distrust carries forward into a real marriage, then the price to pay is often too  high.

How do I know WHO is the right  one?

Maybe this question of “How do I know WHO is the right one?” is not as important as this  question:

“Do I have the ability to keep love going with my spouse for the rest of my  life?”

The dating arena is full of promises of “forever love” and the advertisement of how chemistry is the most important aspect of  love.

Yet no matter how beautiful the love was while dating, it will be challenged and often blown apart in the face of the battle against life’s problems in a  marriage.

The struggles in a marriage are  real.

But at the same time, the love will be more real and can turn into a catalyst and strength for overcoming the ups and downs of life  together.

Maybe you and your spouse got married without the long dating game. All you know is you do like each other and that both of you like to spend the rest of your life  together.

Despite the challenges of marriage, you persist and the love becomes more real and  deeper.

But because of the growing depth of the relationship, you never get tired of this relationship. A dating relationship has little growth and if this relationship stays stagnant for a long period of time, that is simply another sign of  decay.

There is no perfection in relationships. Don’t look for it. It is a waste of  time.

But there can be deep  satisfaction.

And this satisfaction will come from your energy and effort that you are willing to put into love. But don’t waste all your energy and time in endless  dating.

Get serious and pour your energy into turning love into a lifelong  journey.

### Hellen Chen Love Seminar

Hellen Chen, whose marital advice has been showcased in over 200 publications, radio and TV interviews  in 20 countries worldwide, has earned her title of “the Matchmaker of the Century” as she would frequently help men and women who were disappointed about relationships to then step into  marriage.

To help men and women attain a deeper and more satisfying relationships, Chen has written 26 books on the subject. Her works “Matchmaker of the Century” and “Hellen Chen’s Love Seminar” have become number one bestselling relationship books at Barnes and  Noble.

For more information about Chen’s work and her “Love Seminar” events, visit

All opinions expressed on USDR are those of the author and not necessarily those of US Daily Review.